How Self-Compassion Helps You Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids
If you have ever found yourself saying, “Why did I do that?” or “Ugh! I shouldn’t have reacted that way,” after a hard day with your kids, I promise you’re not alone. Parenting is challenging, and there is simply no way to do it perfectly.
However, here’s the good news, compassion can be your secret weapon.
Self-compassion can be your guide towards being kinder to yourself, while helping to raise children who see your self-compassion and embody it in their own way. When your kids see you give yourself grace, they learn that mistakes are part of being human. Self-compassion might be one of the most powerful tools you can model for your child’s emotional health.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is:
Self-compassion isn’t about bypassing your uncomfortable emotions It’s actually about allowing yourself the space to feel everything, while meeting yourself with kindness in all moments. Leader in self-compassion research, psychologist Kristen Neff describes self-compassion at having three main parts:
Self-kindness - treating yourself like the way you would treat someone you love, rather than giving your inner critic the microphone
Mindfulness - Noticing your thoughts and feelings without judgement or over-identifying with them
Common humanity - Remembering that struggle is part of being human and that none of us are alone.
When you find yourself losing your patience or getting frustrated with yourself, consider the alternative action. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” try a more compassionate response like, “Wow that was hard. I’m trying my best.”
I know this may feel silly at first, but I promise the brain believes what you tell it. That’s why affirmations are so powerful. As you practice self-compassion, you will notice that you feel more equipped to handle life’s ups and downs.
The Connection Between Self-Compassion and Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids:
Children are always watching and listening, even if it feels like they aren’t. You are your child’s biggest teacher. Sometimes that can feel like insurmountable pressure, but it is also can be your greatest reward. How awesome is it that your child looks up to you so much?
When a parent regularly beats themselves up and uses negative self-talk, it inadvertently teaches a child to look at their own imperfections. On the flip side, if a parent acknowledges their imperfections with gentleness, humor, and kindness, kids learn that their mistakes aren’t the end of the world.
Here are some powerful byproducts to using self-compassion as a parent:
Emotional safety increases. Kids start to develop a core belief that it’s okay to mess up and that they do not have to be perfect to still be loved.
Anxiety decreases. By noticing how you practice self-compassion, your child will learn it’s safe to feel and express uncomfortable emotions.
Confidence grows. A resilient, confident adult can often create a resilient, confident child . When kids see you bounce back from a hard moment, they start to believe they can too.
The more you practice self-compassion as a parent, the more your calm and kind inner voice becomes the soundtrack of your child’s upbringing, reminding them that they’re loved, capable, and enough.
3 Everyday Ways to Model Self-Compassion for Your Child:
If self-compassion is new to you, please know that I’m not expecting you to start meditating everyday or read endless parenting books. In actuality, the little moments are where self-compassion comes in handy the most.
Here are three simple ways to start modeling self-compassion right now:
Narrate your self-kindness out loud. Practice reframing your negative thought into neutral, kind statements, and let your child hear your process. This sounds like saying, “I’m frustrated that it took so long to do homework tonight, but I’m going to take a few breaths and let it go.” Another way to showcase this is by naming the feeling and the action that can help you tolerate it a bit more in the moment.
Normalize making mistakes. When you make a mistake, how you handle it is key for your child’s development. Instead of saying, “I’m so disappointed in myself,” try “Well, that didn’t turn out how I hoped, but it’s okay that I’m new at this.” The more you model that being a human is messy and multi-faceted, the more your child will be able to accept that imperfection is a part of life.
Encourage rest and boundaries. In a world that praises overachievers and promotes hard-work, it is so important to encourage rest and self-care. It’s how we recharge. When kids see you pause instead of pushing through exhaustion, they learn that taking care of yourself is part of being responsible, not selfish.
Remember practicing self-compassion is not about being perfect. It’s about being a little kinder to yourself, out loud, in a real time.
Helping Your Child Practice Their Own Version of Self-Compassion:
Now that you know what self-compassion is, let’s take it a step further. Here’s how you can continue to help your child shape their own inner voice. You can assist your child with cultivating an inner voice that is kinder, calmer, and more resilient by weaving self-compassion into your relationship.
Here are a few age-appropriate ways to start:
For younger kids: Turn self-compassion into something playful and concrete. I’m a big fan of a kindness jar and a shared journal. In a kindness jar you can both add notes about kind things you did for yourself or others that week. In a shared journal, you can take turns writing each other notes about your day. It’s a great way to foster connection too. I also love using stories from books and movies to foster conversations around imperfection and trying again.
For preteens and teens: While all of the above can also be successful for preteens and teens, it’s also okay to be a little bit more straightforward. I also encourage journaling or even voice memos as a way to process emotions. Helping your preteen or teen to notice when it’s their inner critic talking can help them know how best to respond. Responding with empathy builds emotional awareness and self-compassion.
Ultimately, remember that it’s not your job to have all the answers. Simply opening up dialogue and being there to support your child makes a powerful difference.
Final Thoughts: The Ripple Effect of Practicing Self-Compassion:
Parenting with self-compassion doesn’t mean you’ll never lose your patience or feel overwhelmed again, it simply means you’ll have a softer place to land when you do. When you show yourself grace, your child learns to do the same. Over time, that calm, kind energy becomes the backdrop of your home, one that says, We can make mistakes and still be okay.
By modeling this, you’re showing your child that growth doesn’t come from perfection, it comes from trying again with gentleness. You’re teaching them that love isn’t earned by doing everything right; it’s something they can trust is always there, even when things get messy.
If your child struggles with anxiety, perfectionism, or emotional ups and downs, therapy can help. I offer virtual therapy for children, preteens, and teens across New York, helping families build confidence, emotional regulation skills, and more connected relationships. Learn more here.
