When Friendships Feel Hard: Helping Your Anxious Child Through Back-to-School Stress
It’s a few weeks into your school year, and I bet your child has started to settle into the back-to-school routine, even if it is sometimes challenging. While anxious children tend to eventually adjust to the new normal, it is really common for social stress to increase. In my several years as a therapist, every single one of my clients have come to me at one point or another with a friendship struggle. It’s an unfortunately common part of growing up, but that doesn’t make it any less hard.
While I cannot promise friendships will always come easy for your anxious child, I can help make those moments feel easier. Here is a guide to navigating when friendships feel hard and how you can support your child through it:
Understanding Your Child’s Desire for Friends:
This might feel silly, but it is human nature to yearn for connection, and your child is wired that way too. Even if your child tells you, “I don't need friends” or “I hate everybody,” I can almost guarantee that it’s their defenses speaking for them. Friendships like all relationships can be messy, scary, and deeply vulnerable, and your child might not be ready for all that.
Despite how much your child may or may not talk or engage with their peers, I can promise that all kids (all humans really) yearn for connection. Kids want to feel included. They just might not know how to bridge the gap between wanting connection and fearing the risk that comes with it.
For some kids, that risk might look like:
Fear of rejection. Worrying they’ll be left out, embarrassed or hurt.
Perfectionism. Feeling like they have to say or do everything “right” to be liked.
Sensitivity to social cues. Overanalyzing tone, body language, or silence and assuming the worst; Sometimes it might even be that they do not understanding social cues.
Your child is wired for protection rather than connection. They are not rejecting others, they’re trying to avoid any potential hurt. Providing your child with safety at home can
Reminding yourself of this can change how you respond. Instead of pushing them toward more socializing, you can start by creating safety at home — a place where they can process, decompress, and feel understood. From that safety, real connection grows.
Signs Your Child Might Be Struggling Socially:
When friendships start to feel hard, kids don’t always tell us directly. Instead, you may notice a shift in their mood, behavior or energy. These signs may be subtle at first. Here are a few things you might notice:
Avoidance. Your child may suddenly dread lunch, recess, or group activities they used to enjoy.
Overthinking. They might replay conversations or worry about what someone said or didn’t say. Rumination is common with anxious kids or kids with OCD tendencies.
Mood changes. Irritability, tearfulness, or withdrawing after school can all be signs of emotional overload.
Negative self-talk. Statements like “Nobody likes me” or “I’m just bad at making friends” can signal self-doubt or low confidence.
Physical complaints. Frequent headaches or stomachaches, especially on school days, can sometimes reflect anxiety about social interactions.
Not every tough week means your child is struggling deeply, social ups and downs are a normal part of growing up. But if these patterns continue or seem to impact your child’s confidence, it might be time to slow down and open a conversation.
You don’t have to have all the answers right away. Reminding your child that they are supported is the best thing you can do.
Supporting Your Child Through Friendship Struggles:
Friendship stress and struggles can be hard, but they are also a part of life. They serve as an opportunity for you to help your child develop emotional skills that will help throughout their life.
1. Validate your child’s experience before problem-solving
It can be tempting to jump straight to advice, but what your child often needs most is to feel understood. Try saying something like, “That sounds really hard. I can see why you’re upset.” Sometimes your child may just want to vent and share, rather than try to “fix” the problem. If they do want to problem-solve, the benefit is they will most likely feel more regulated and able to think more clearly.
2. Focus on curiosity instead of control
One of my favorite things to tell my clients’ parents is to “join your child’s world.” What this really means is trying to release your own expectations and your own stuff around friendships in favor of asking your child open-ended questions. This allows your child to build their own perspective and trust their own judgment, rather than relying on your point of view.
3. Remind them that friendships take practice
It’s easy for kids to assume that friendship should come naturally, but social skills, including communication, repair, and boundary-setting, take time to learn. You can gently normalize that all relationships have ups and downs and that needing space or trying again is completely okay. Remind your child that connection doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.
The goal is not to remove the discomfort of friendship struggles. It’s to help your child know they can navigate them with compassion, curiosity, and confidence.
Final Thoughts: When Friendship Feels Hard:
Friendship struggles can be heartbreaking to witness, especially when you see your child hurting and just want to make it better. When you respond with curiosity instead of control, and compassion instead of correction, you help your child feel safe enough to open up and try again. They begin to learn that friendships don’t have to be perfect to be worthwhile, and that being themselves is enough.
If you still think your child could use some support around their anxiety or self-doubt in friendships, therapy can help. Together, we can help your child build confidence, learn to navigate conflict, and feel more secure in their relationships.
I offer virtual therapy for children, preteens, and teens across New York, helping families create calmer, more connected homes. Learn more here!
