Self-Esteem for Kids: What Healthy Confidence Actually Looks Like
Self-esteem is one of those things that parents tend to worry about a lot, and it honestly makes sense. We want our kids to feel confident, capable, and secure in who they are. However, healthy self-esteem isn’t built by constant praise and achievement, it’s actually more about intuition and steady growth.
At its core, self-esteem is a child’s ability to believe in themselves, their intrinsic value, and know that they’re still worthy, even when things feel hard.
What Healthy Self-Esteem Actually Looks Like
Confidence is different in every child. Some children have loud, shiny confidence, while others show it in a more subtle or quiet way. All versions of true confidence are authentic. Your child’s self-esteem may look like:
being willing to try new things even when it’s hard
handling mistakes without shaming themselves
believing that they are allowed to be a beginner at something
feeling worthy even when things don’t go perfectly
Kids with healthy self-esteem don’t feel confident all the time, they feel secure enough to grow and often tolerate the uncomfortable as they learn and develop.
How Parents Can Support Healthy Confidence
You don’t need to do everything perfectly to support your child’s self-esteem. Small, consistent shifts matter more than big moments.
Encourage your child’s interests not outcomes
Support your child’s curiosity and effort rather than focusing on performance. Confidence grows when kids feel valued for who they are, not just what they achieve.
Model self-compassion
Self-compassion is a true skill to learn, but children are very observant and curious. If you practice your own inner confidence, it will rub off on your child. The more you speak kindly to yourself and model true confidence, the more your child will see its value too.
Hold consistent boundaries
Clear, predictable boundaries help kids feel safe to step outside of their comfort zones. I often encourage parents to create joint boundaries together if necessary. Trusting your child is another way to help your child develop their own compass of inner trust.
Problem-solve together
Confidence grows when kids feel capable. Collaborating instead of rescuing helps build self-trust. Your child doesn’t need constant reassurance, but they can benefit from your belief in them.
Reduce comparison
Comparison often leads to self-doubt. While role models and mentors can be helpful, it’s important to frame them as inspiration rather than measuring sticks. Your child isn’t their sibling or peer and admiring something in someone else doesn’t have to turn into comparison.
What Healthy Confidence Is Not
Healthy self-esteem is not:
constant happiness
fearlessness
perfection
being “the best”
Confidence isn’t about never struggling, it’s about knowing you can handle struggle when it shows up. It’s really about knowing you have innate self-worth no matter the circumstance.
A Gentle Reminder:
Self-esteem builds over time, and it can be fleeting at times too. All of that is valid and okay. Kids do not need to feel confident every day, but they do need supportive and safe adults who believe in them especially on the days when they doubt themselves.
If this resonates with you and you’re exploring therapy for your child or teen, I’d love to connect. You can reach out to schedule an intro call with me here.
