Avoiding Reassurance Loops: Why Reassurance Backfires for Anxious Kids and Teens
Your child asks you, “is this okay?,” and of course you answer. Most well-meaning parents think reassurance helps their anxious child or teen. In the moment, reassurance can stop your child from spiraling, and it can even make the moment “better.” However, reassurance has a lasting impact that ends up being the opposite from what your intention actually is.
I imagine you want to help your child with their discomfort, but in reality, too much reassurance teaches an anxious child or teen that they cannot trust their own inner compass — it teaches them to rely on opinions outside of their own. Reassurance backfires and actually increases anxiety in the long run.
What Reassurance Loops Actually Look Like:
Reassurance is a natural part of life. In fact, I often reassure parents through my writing. (I probably already did it here!) The difference is for kids and teens who are more anxious — constantly overthinking, wondering if they’re good enough, trying to figure out the “right” way to do things — reassurance often adds more noise to their already busy brains.
It’s not always obvious if you are engaging in a reassurance loop or battle with your child or teen, but if you find your child asking you things like, “Are you sure I did that right?,” “What if I mess up?” or “Is this okay?” often, that’s your first clue.
When you answer your child with affirmation like, “of course you did that right” rather than, “What do you think?" or even, “It looks right to me, but that doesn’t mean I’m right. You might have a different opinion.,” it reinforces your child’s dependence on you for the answers.
In the moment your child may relax, but then, the same question comes again later. This is the loop. Your child asks a question rooted in anxiety, you answer with reassurance, your child feels better, anxiety returns, repeat.
Why Reassurance Backfires:
The biggest reason reassurance backfires is because it teaches a child or teen to look outside themselves for the answer. It doesn’t reinforce confidence or self-trust, which I believe can often be an anecdote for anxiety and busy brains.
Over-time your child will increasingly second-guess their own judgement, desires, and opinions, something I know you don’t want for your child.
Ultimately too much reassurance can lead to anxiety paralysis, where your child feels frozen — often making it feel impossible to make a decision without input or security.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of jumping to reassuring your child, especially when they’re anxious, remember there are other options. If your child is asking you for reassurance, they already trust you. That’s so important! You are their safe place, which means together, you can help your child or teen grow their confidence. I talk about this a lot in my course Anxious Kids 101, but here are some things you can do instead to help in these anxious moments.
Gently turn the question back on to your child — Asking your child or teen what they think about the situation they’re worried about opens up the dialogue. If you child says, “I don't know,” ask them to share what they do know or the options they are considering. It takes some time, but even if it keeps them feeling anxious for the moment, it will eventually help them develop their own inner compass.
Validate without giving the answer — Sharing that you know it’s hard right now can feel really reassuring to your child without actually reassuring them. This sounds like, “It makes so much sense to be unsure right now. I’m not sure what I would do either.”
Figure it out together — Sometimes your child does actually need help, and that’s okay! Figuring it out as a team, rather than giving them the answer or the reassurance can often be a first step into your child developing real, meaningful self-esteem.
A Note for Parents:
If you find that your child or teen is needing more reassurance, they might need more support to build that lasting confidence.
Therapy can help kids and teens understand their feelings, build regulation skills, and feel more confident navigating big emotions.
You can explore how I approach therapy with kids and therapy with teens here.
If this resonates with you and you’d love to learn more, please send me a message. You can reach out to schedule a free intro call with me here.
