Did I Cause My Child’s Anxiety? What Parents Need to Know
If you have an anxious child, you’ve probably wondered at some point if you did something to cause their anxiety.
Maybe you struggle with anxiety yourself and notice some of the same patterns in your child. Maybe you tend to worry out loud, jump in quickly when your child is uncomfortable or offer a lot of reassurance when they’re anxious. It’s really easy as a parent to look back and wonder if you did something wrong.
The truth is, there usually isn’t one thing that causes anxiety in kids. Genetics, temperament, environment, life experiences and learned behaviors can all play a role. (And in case you need to know first hand, you didn’t directly cause your child’s anxiety).
However, the way we respond to a child’s anxiety can influence how they learn to cope with it.
Did I Cause My Child’s Anxiety?
You didn’t directly cause your child’s anxiety, but genetics can sometimes play a role in predisposition for anxiety.
Anxiety can run in families, and some kids are naturally more sensitive, cautious or prone to worrying than others. You might have a child who has always needed more time to warm up, thinks through every possible scenario or notices things that other kids seem to brush off.
Life experiences and environment matter too. Big transitions, stressful experiences, friendships, school and changes within the family can all impact a child’s anxiety.
Even though parents can’t cause their child’s anxiety, you do have the ability to influence your child’s coping to a point. For example, if your child asks you over and over again whether you’re definitely going to pick them up from school, reassuring them every time makes them feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it can keep anxiety ruminating.
Over time, your child may start to learn, I need reassurance before I can feel okay or avoiding something is what keeps me safe.
How Can Parents Help With Childhood Anxiety?
As your child’s main confidant, it’s important to equip you with tools and techniques to help you support your child.
1. Validate without always reassuring
There’s a difference between acknowledging your child’s feelings and convincing them that nothing bad will happen. Validation looks like acknowledging the feelings that are here without providing answers or reassurance. Tis helps your child learn to build trust in themselves.
2. Be mindful of avoidance
If your child is anxious about something, avoiding it usually will help in the moment, but when avoidance becomes the main way they cope, their world can slowly start getting smaller.
Instead, look for a smaller step they can take. I talk a lot about this in Anxious Kids 101 and even provide tools for how to best breakdown the steps.
For example, maybe they stay at the birthday party for an hour instead of skipping it or we work towards doing that.
3. Let your child see you cope with anxiety
If you’re an anxious parent yourself, you don’t need to hide that from your child. Kids can actually learn a lot from seeing adults experience anxiety and move through it. What we model to children usually helps infer their own self-concept. We can do things scared and do things that are hard.
4. Give them opportunities to figure things out
Sometimes we jump in because we know exactly how to solve the problem, especially when we can see our child struggling. Before immediately fixing it, give them a little space. Ask what they think they could do, help them brainstorm, and let them try. Failing is not always a bad thing.
Every time your child gets through something difficult, they collect a little more evidence that they can trust themselves.
What If I Have Anxiety Too?
If you struggle with anxiety yourself, it can be especially hard to watch your child experience it. You might recognize their worries immediately because you’ve had them too. You may even find yourself becoming anxious because they’re anxious.
This is where it can be helpful to pay attention to your own response. It’s really important to stay mindful about what is your anxiety and what is your child’s. Another way to think about it is, “is this my stuff or my child’s stuff?”
You don’t need to judge yourself for any of this. Just notice it. Sometimes helping an anxious child means learning to tolerate a little bit of our own discomfort while they learn to tolerate theirs.
A Note for Parents:
If you’re navigating this right now, you’re likely carrying a lot yourself. Anxiety is complicated and there usually isn’t an exact experience for everyone.
You didn’t cause your child’s anxiety, but you can help better support them. You can help them learn that anxiety isn’t dangerous. You can encourage them to take small risks, tolerate uncertainty and build confidence in their ability to handle hard things.
But if you’re looking for more support, I am here to help.
I work with anxious kids and teens to help them better understand their anxiety, build coping skills and feel more confident handling the situations that tend to feel overwhelming.
Want more support like this?
If this post felt familiar, therapy can be a supportive next step, even if you’re unsure whether it’s “serious enough.”
After you contact me, I’ll email you back with next steps and we’ll figure out together if it feels like the right fit.
You can also learn more about therapy here:
Therapy for kids
Therapy for teens
