Perfectionism in Children and Teens: What Parents Need to Know

Perfectionism is one of those traits that tends to be glorified in the media and even in our everyday conversations. While “perfectionism” itself is not a diagnosis, it is a byproduct of anxiety and coping mechanisms that kids, t teens, and young adults often lean on.

Perfectionism often falls under the umbrella of the “high-functioning anxiety", which is this concept that someone’s anxiety is more internal than external. To the outside world, a person looks to be thriving and accomplishing goals; however, internally, they are anxious, feeling not good enough, and living a perpetual cycle of trying to do it all without mistakes.

So how do you know if your child or teen might be a perfectionist? Here are some common signs to look out for:

Procrastination and/or Avoidance

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionists tend to be some of the biggest procrastinators because they are so hard on themselves. Kids and teens will often delay starting tasks when it is impossible to complete it “perfectly.” The pressure to get it “just right” can take over, making even the smallest of assignments feel overwhelming. As a therapist, I often see these behaviors intensify around tasks and assignments that my clients really care about. Anxiety feeds the avoidance, which in turn fuels the procrastination.

Re-Doing or Over-Checking Work

Perfectionists are often disguised as “detail-oriented,” when in reality, it’s anxiety that is causing the re-doing or over-checking of work. While these types of kids and teens often do get their work done, their self-esteem often takes a hit because they feel defeated by how long the task took them. Instead of feeling proud of their effort or taking in the compliments they receive, they are left feeling not good enough.

Extra Reassurance-Seeking

Anxious children and teens tend to look for reassurance especially from the people closest to them. Perfectionists seek the approval of others, but rarely believe it when it’s given. Your child may ask questions like, “Is this okay?” or “What if…?” While reassurance may calm them in the moment, it actually reinforces the idea that they cannot trust themselves. Over time, this cycle of anxiety and perfectionism becomes harder to get out of, leaving kids feeling even more self-doubt.

A Note for Parents

Perfectionist kids and teens often do a great job hiding their anxiety behind good grades, multiple extracurriculars, and blossoming friendships. Your child has learned a coping skill that helps them get through the day; however, underneath there is a fear of failure or self-doubt lurking. If you notice that your child is putting a lot of pressure on themselves, even when you are trying to lessen it, it might benefit them to seek some guidance.

I work with a ton of perfectionist kids and teens in therapy to help them foster the thing they want most: confidence. If any of this feels familiar to you, therapy can be a helpful space for your child. Reach out to me here.