Preteen Therapy: Because They’re Not Quite Kids or Teens

Child & Teen Mental Health
Written By Erica Zisman

Do you remember the song “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet A Woman” by Britney Spears? Well, that’s exactly how I think about preteens except it’s not a kid, not yet a teen. But what does that mean exactly? Well, let me explain.

Preteens (9-12) still seek your guidance, but also want their independence:

While children require assistance and prompting to complete tasks and to manage their own emotional landscape, tweens are on the brink of a whole new world of autonomy and identity, but they still need a life preserver. During the preteen years, your biggest role as a parent is to encourage your child to use the skills they have and to let them make mistakes along the way.

So, what’s happening in the tween years?:

Preteens are experiencing monumental shifts, filled with life transitions that are happening both internally and externally. It really is a lot at once! It may even seem like your tween went from a loving little kid to a defiant or even attitude-filled teen. Spoiler alert, this is normal, albeit, still difficult to navigate for everyone involved! Your preteen still needs your support, but the approval of their peers is becoming paramount, and the tug of war is evident. Despite all of this, this in-between stage is actually quite beautiful. It’s a chance for deeper connection and full of opportunities for both your relationship with your tween and their relationship to themselves to grow and evolve.

Common struggles I see in therapy with preteens (so you know you’re not alone in these new challenges):

  • Big feelings that seem to overtake everything these days

  • Increased anxiety and/or insecurity

  • Comparing self to peers and older siblings

  • Difficulty accepting and/or asking for help

  • Fear, confusion or worry around all the changes happening

What you can do to support your preteen:

As a parent or caregiver of a preteen you have the ability to be a role model for your growing child in this confusing, awesome, yet sometimes scary time of life. You don’t have to solve challenges for your preteen, but being in their corner during life’s transitions is a vital part of connection and growth. Below are some more tangible tips for how you can best support your tween

  • Validate your tween’s emotions, even if they seem small to you. Remember you’ve been through these things before, this is their first time.

  • Carve out specific and intentional time together to connect. I always encourage my clients and their parents to try new activities together or to share interests with each other to foster more connection.

  • Give space and structure. Your tween needs guidelines and rules still, but wherever possible, allowing them to make their own choices and potentially make mistakes is an important part of the growing process.

  • Consider therapy for your preteen. If your tween is experiencing a lot of big emotions around the transitions and changes in their lives or you believe they could utilize some unbiased support, therapy may be a great option for them.

TLDR (too long didn’t read):

Like Britney said, the in-between stage is confusing for both you and your preteen. It’s also a powerful time to:

  • Build deeper connection

  • Lay the groundwork for healthy communication

  • Strengthen coping skills

  • Support their growing emotional intelligence

Want to explore how therapy can help your preteen?

Contact me here to set up an initial therapy session or to schedule a free consultation to figure out how we can best work together!

Erica Zisman